Do I bother entertaining you any further when all you’ve ever given me is fragments?

When we met, I wasn’t sure of what I wanted but the way I felt with you was new to me again, and that was nice. I liked that you were a gentleman with old world charm, who exuded the kind of confidence you think of when one imagines quiet success; tinged with just enough humility to have you believe he’s not cocky like the others.

I know feelings can change from one moment to the next but it still fucking hurt when I realised it was all just a meaningless casual conquest for you. Especially when your words and actions gave me a strong impression that you also felt the intense chemistry between us and were keen to explore the connection further.

I spent days pondering what to write back when you asked whether I had sent the letter. It was interesting to observe the evolution of my draft response, which began as a scathing exposé into your misleading actions before progressing into a raw and vulnerable admittance of my internal struggle.

I noted, “That piece was something I wrote for myself months ago, which reflected my lived present at that moment in time. I don’t claim to know what your truth entails but perhaps you’ll take something away from mine. I didn’t know I was going to send it until I did. Just felt an inexplicable calling to do so.”

Your response was surprisingly thoughtful and though it took hours for me to muster the courage to read it, I’m glad I did in the end. You said, “I’ve done something similar in the past. It’s brave and powerful to speak your truth in a way that’s both honest and artful.” You have no idea how comforting that was to hear, and I never expected that I’d receive a message so wholesome in return.

Poetry and the practice of self-reflection have gifted me the inspiration to do things that I otherwise would have never dared to try. For the first time in my life, I have shared my story with a complete rando whose very existence blew up mine, and in no alternate universe would I have been able to prepare myself for what was to come. I thought I knew who I was in love and romance but time has slowly weathered my soul, and the growing chasm between who I am now and who I used to be has been revealed in the harsh light of circumstance. This experience has been truly humbling, and I think I am ready to move forward completely now.

The act of putting yourself out there in a moment of unwavering impulse is truly jarring. Initially you’re carried by the adrenaline of immense possibility and while in that state, you feel confident that no challenge is insurmountable. But then the reality of what you’ve done sets in and you can’t help but to imagine what dire consequences may arise out of your rash decisions.

And sometimes, just sometimes you’ll be lucky enough to be met with empathy and reciprocity from a person who also understands your motivations and has likely gone through something similar themselves. It may not always eventuate in a positive response but I never want to lose the voice inside that carries my will.

It makes me wonder whether the majority of people in this world live in fear of the things they cannot control and therefore are never willing to leave the confines of their safe space. I believe there are limitations to one’s ability to grow as a person if you follow down this path of comfortability for too long.

So keep looking for opportunities to disturb the universe because you never know when you’ll stumble upon real magic. When the day inevitably comes, keep your eyes open and allow your mind to fill with the wisdom and wonder of this limitless existence.

I’m going to regift this story to you and hope that one day, its contents will signify something more profound than my journey through anger and hurt. Perhaps you’ll open your heart up to something more and learn to be mindful of how your actions may mislead and confuse others. Logic tells me that this is a fucking stupid idea but goddamn, in this moment I am fearless. I am doubtful I will ever hear from you again, and that’s okay.

As I edge ever closer to the red post box that will relinquish all of my creative control to the December enigma, I feel calm. This will be my little secret for the foreseeable future but if you ask whether I wrote it, I won’t say no. The piece immortalised the way I felt at a moment in history, now months old, and I have come such a long way since. “I’ll taste the devil’s tears, drink from his soul but I’ll never give up you.”

With that, her voice has now been handed over to be sorted with all the other voices carrying the weight of stories she has never lived. You will always be remembered, thank you. I will continue down the path of dreams, with one foot in front of the other. I will follow my Aquarius heart for she has never led me astray. Which makes sense because she is me, and I am her.

Having long since left the years of youthful innocence behind me, I realise it takes immense courage and a conscious commitment to prevent fear from dictating the journey ahead. How I wish to hold the carefree vision in my hands again and approach every situation with unencumbered bravery. But as one grows up, they experience snippets of the world that can change the entire flavour of who they thought they were. We are all capable of personal growth through the wisdom provided by the lens of history, but memories dipped in darkness can have a profound and incommensurate impact on how we choose to face the future.

In times of uncertainty, I often hear a small, timid voice within me encouraging me to hide away some place only I know until the threat subsides. And it’s tempting, especially when the uneasy feeling begins to spread inside my belly, accompanied by unwelcome scrutiny about the adequacy of my life choices.

But it is in these moments I choose to channel a past me; she may not be as wise or as compassionate but she is unbound, infinite and daring. She has a soft heart but a stubborn will and that’s what got her to where she is now. Sometimes we need a little bit of that chaotic energy to stir us from our cabin of comfort and remind us that we are truly alive, as to be alive is to feel.

Dear Liv,

I’ve been thinking about all of our conversations as of late and how they remind me of the old days when we were young. About two girls that became friends by sheer coincidence in school despite very conflicting views on a number of significant matters. At some point, I softened the impenetrable defences that I thought made a person strong. I wouldn’t have realised that someone who was truly strong was one who could confront the realities of emotion if not for you. I know we’ve been through many tumultuous cycles throughout our friendship but I hope you know how thankful I am to have you in my life. I feel it especially now and find it comforting beyond words to have someone who knows about all the chapters of my story. Someone who understands exactly who I am and who I used to be before I got here. You have helped me through some of the most difficult and traumatic periods in my life, and have also been around for all of the happy moments too. Sometimes you casually mention something that only you would know about me, and I feel a little smile grow on my face.

I know I haven’t been very compassionate or empathetic in the past, particularly towards you and your mental health struggles and I am really sorry. It’s no excuse but I was too selfish living in my fun, carefree world at the time to understand. But know that for the past year and a half, I have really invested a lot of time and energy into working on this deficit. I am trying to be an overall better person and a better friend to those around me. It was much easier to be aloof and perceived as a typically cold and emotionless Aquarius because it meant that I could avoid getting stuck in the weeds of other people’s problems.

I realise now that empathy is something that grows the more you give it to others. It does not diminish like slices of pizza after consumption. Anyways this is all a work in progress and I suppose that’s also true for life as a whole. We will always be learning new things and using that information to evolve ourselves hopefully into better, more wholesome people. I don’t know if there is a right way to spend our short time on this earth, but I feel like if you always maintain the courage to chase your dreams and the things that make you truly happy, then you can’t go wrong.

I was cleaning my room after we got off the phone today and glimpsed the box that housed the letters we used to write each other. That’s what inspired me to write you one today because I remember how much these small tokens meant to us, even though the contents of our previous letters were of little substance in comparison. But hey, each life stage has its own quirks and peculiarities. I recall a long period in which I used to wear a silver necklace with a cross on it and then get annoyed when people assumed I was religious. What a total shithead I was back then. It’s equal parts cringe and equal parts endearing to reminisce that small detail.

I don’t know how I got so infatuated with Tikhon or what triggered all this desire within me and made my life a living hell for weeks. In the scheme of things, this is just a small bump on the road but as I’ve reflected, the impact on my sense of self and understanding of what I want has been profound. I’m truly very grateful for everything you’ve done to help me through this, and giving me an ear to rant to. In the end, I will stick to my gut feeling and proceed with catching up with him platonically. He’s no longer worthy of a booty smash and I know that our interests and values are way too misaligned for anything romantic to develop between us anyway. Can you imagine me dating someone who can’t drive AND doesn’t like travelling? Ew, fuck that. This is now more of a reminder to myself but hey, you’re basically the equivalent of free therapy anyway.

It doesn’t go unnoticed don’t worry. You can always rant/talk to me about anything and I mean that sincerely. I may not be able to drop everything and be at yours in 10 anymore, but I will always do my best to pick up in times of need. I hope your move up the Coast has been fulfilling and that you are happy. The little family you have is truly precious and I know you don’t need me to tell you that. Maybe someday I’ll find my person to create a family with but if it doesn’t happen, then so be it. I’d like to think that there is somebody for me out there but the pool of available suitors is filled with emotionally unavailable men who have not worked through their trauma. I don’t think it’s worth giving your time and affection to someone who won’t enrich your life in a meaningful way anymore. Instead I’m going to chase wonder and add to my already dazzling constellation of collected moments. So should you.

Anyways, I should probably let you go/get back to work now. Thanks for being a good friend to me over the years. #Olitee5eva

Love always, Es

I implore you, do not loathe or fear that which forces you to reconsider your entire understanding of self. For in the end, you will stand stronger in the face of adversity.

Instead, befriend the person or thing that has challenged your views or set your world ablaze, embrace them like an old friend, and thank them for inspiring change within you. Meaningful, permanent change.

I got so caught up in the romance of the first date that I started imagining what a future could be like with you. By the second meeting, I had a strong feeling that you were not looking for a genuine connection with another human and you confirmed this soon after. It was almost like the thrill of the chase diminished as soon as we had sex, and even the content within your messages changed thereafter. The cheeky undertones disappeared almost instantly and I was the one who asked to hang out again. Our first ever chat consisted of a surprise phone call and we scheduled a meet up soon thereafter. Following that, any talks of planning another date turned into a sea of tentatives, and repetitive notions of playing it by ear. Suddenly I was no longer worthy of your time or undivided attention. You remained so hot and cold that it was impossible to ascertain your level of interest – this made me feel incredibly dispensable and cheap. I would prefer for someone who is not interested in me to say so, rather than play mind games. That way one knows to move on without shadow of a doubt. Even if you want something casual, there needs to be respect and open communication because at the end of the day, we are all just human beings with feelings.

I didn’t like the way you said to always assume you were dating multiple people at once, especially given your blase attitude towards protection, or lack thereof. If that’s the way of the dating world, then I hate it – the presumptuous nature of dating is just an excuse for guys not to communicate what their intentions are. Fucking hell, I’d rather know than turn a blind eye. That way, I can make an informed choice as I have this time round. I’m thankful that I put the nail in the coffin early on, before I had a chance to develop any real feelings towards you. Although I’m hoping that even if I did continue seeing you for a bit, I’d eventually realise how misaligned our hobbies and personalities are and let you go anyway. You seemed hesitant in divulging any information about yourself apart from snippets when I asked. I understand that people experience varying degrees of trauma in their lives and are not always willing to share things with a stranger. But there was an unnatural reservedness around the way you communicated – it was careful and calculated. Moreover, I’m certain that there was surprise at the directness of my question about what you were looking for. You weren’t just hungover or restless, you were taken aback like a deer in headlights. Had anyone else ever asked you this before, or did you just charm them like you did me, and then ghost them once they developed feelings/wanted more?

How many other women had you taken on the same first date, I wonder? All that talk about being unsure of where the fire mosaic was, and making the find seem fated was obviously skillfully crafted beforehand. You’ve lived in Melbourne for more than ten years so of course you know the neighbourhood well. There’s not a doubt in my mind now that you knew exactly where you were going and wanted to set the perfect scene. I don’t know what went through your mind when we agreed to go somewhere for another drink after leaving the wine bar. What was a magical evening meandering leisurely through magnificent gardens turned into a brisk walk through back alley streets where I tailed uncomfortably behind you, trying not to question the sudden change in pace. And just like that, we somehow ended up in the lobby of the Sheraton building where you lived. I should have left then and there, and trusted my intuition but I was too caught up in the perfection of the previous hours.

For someone who wants to appeal to women as an in-demand suitor, I get the feeling your life is far from the story you’re trying to tell others (and yourself). You wanted me to think that you had lots of other women lined up for dates; that you were highly desired in the single world. It didn’t seem special that I ended up at your place and in your bed on New Year’s Eve, it seemed convenient. And this isn’t to put myself down in the slightest, it’s to say that you didn’t exactly have a plethora of women waiting to bed you that night as you would probably would have liked for me to believe. That you were desperate for company that night, willing to stay up till 2am to wait for me. With me in my blissful champagne-filled state, I was happy to oblige, still hopeful that the spark I felt the first time was not just one-sided.

I think I liked the idea of you, a handsome European man with a white collar job and let the events of the first date ruminate in my brain until all potential red flags disappeared. From the get go, I could tell you were impatient by the way you complained at the wait times of the pedestrian lights. I knew you had no interest in leaving Melbourne, and that you didn’t drive/had no intention of getting your licence again. I knew you were not a fan of travelling and despised the idea of camping. And later on, when you confirmed that you were just after something casual, and then threw in a comment that you’d been married once, I wondered if it were true or just another hopeless attempt to escape the analytical eyes across the table. Although I did appreciate you sharing that small detail of your life, as it gave me insight into why it was in your nature to pursue casual relationships (assuming you were being honest).

I know that your mum passed away sometime ago and that your stepdad is essentially your only dad. He lives somewhere in the UK and you’re an only child. If I were to hazard a guess, it would be that you came to Melbourne because you were running away from something. From what I’ve gathered of your past, you used to love new experiences and I’ve seen photos of you skydiving. You obviously were an avid traveller and risk taker at some point in your life as well, given your somewhat unplanned move from the UK with a one-way ticket. You said you don’t really read books or listen to music or have any interest in the creative arts. You said you didn’t use social media and yet, the NYE crew found pictures of you on Facebook and online engagements as recent as last year. Even something as trivial as lying about your age online is enough to make one question why an inconsequential detail is even worthy of hiding from a potentially interested party. All these inconsistencies slowly told me the story that I didn’t want to hear or believe to be true – that you are just another liar.

For me, this has been an incredibly eye opening experience into vulnerability. I am usually someone who is so certain and trusting of myself. To be reduced to a child-like state of not being able to process my emotions properly has been very difficult. I never thought something like a couple of dates would make me question my own sense of worth. But every situation that challenges your view of the world is one that makes you wiser and stronger for the future. I will start rewarding inconsistency with unavailability and remember to hold myself in high regard. As Brene Brown says, “Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: Who has earned the right to hear my story?”

The pink hues tinge the horizon with a gentle kiss that signals the end of daylight. Floating well above the suburban lots to the east, her view is undisrupted and for a moment, the tangle of thoughts in her mind disperses. Suddenly, she is present and aware. Try as she might to stay forever in this state, her boundless mind threatens to take over again. And just as quickly as the twilight surrenders to the inevitable night ahead, she relapses.