The pink hues tinge the horizon with a gentle kiss that signals the end of daylight. Floating well above the suburban lots to the east, her view is undisrupted and for a moment, the tangle of thoughts in her mind disperses. Suddenly, she is present and aware. Try as she might to stay forever in this state, her boundless mind threatens to take over again. And just as quickly as the twilight surrenders to the inevitable night ahead, she relapses.

I have found that dating, while exhilarating at the time, can open up strong feelings of self doubt in its aftermath. I went on a second date last week with a man who seemed to lack true self confidence, masked behind delusions of grandeur and male bravado. When I was younger, I was interested by guys who possessed expensive taste and had a penchant for fine dining but it is only now, I realise how obnoxious this can make a person. Whilst it was lovely for him to have driven from Melbourne to meet me, I could immediately sense the elitism oozing out of him. White pressed linen shirt, chinos, dress shoes and a ‘5 star hotel only’ approach to holidaying. Ugh, I should have picked up the signs.

We grabbed a drink at the local pub (turns out Geelong is not known for having boutique wine bars suitable for first dates) and realised we had quite a lot in common. F1, tennis, the recognition of Taiwan as a country, restaurant connoisseurs. Funnily enough, this guy also had Polish ancestry. I only laugh because one of my best friends is Polish and the joke going around is that I’m finding pieces of men to replace her. I haven’t planned this, I swear!

Later on, we walked along the waterfront and onto a dimly lit pier that stretched far into the ocean. We kissed during that walk but after that, he just kept going in for the same thing while simultaneously asking me if I was okay. He would also announce that he had to ‘do something important real quick’ before going in each time. I’m all for seeking consent but that just played out more like a lack of confidence than anything else. When a guy doesn’t know how to make out, and every kiss is like a first kiss with no deviation, it begins to feel a little…boring. Many things about that night felt like they eventuated because ‘it was next on the list of things to do’ rather than because there was any sort of chemistry. With Tikhon, body language was all we needed to express our desire and wantonness for each other. It was all so sexy and passionate in comparison but I guess that’s what a 9 year age difference between men does. The right balance of assertiveness and sincerity goes a long way.

After a very uncomfortable bout of sex in a tiny Volkswagen Polo, where the town hoons would circle menacingly around us, I decided that I’d had enough of this date. Even after we’d clothed ourselves, he was mumbling about all the other tricks he had up his sleeve and what he was going to do to me had I not called a cease fire on the fingerbashing I reluctantly endured for the past five minutes. We politely parted ways and after the obligatory, ‘I’ve gotten home safely’ message, he unmatched me. Even though I wasn’t planning on seeing this guy again, my ego was still a little bruised and my self worth in question. It was all consensual, so why was I thinking this way?! It’s not like I was forced into anything and if I wanted to slut it up after a couple of years of inaction (thank you COVID-19) then so be it! I was in control of my own actions and desires. And yet, I still felt a little worse for wear after it all.

I called Gigi a couple of days later to explain everything that happened and how I was feeling. She is an incredible fucking human, with so much wisdom and love to impart. She reassured me that my thoughts were valid in every way and that the dating process makes for a truly vulnerable experience. Sometimes you just need someone you trust with your life, to remind you of the things about life that you already know. You can otherwise get lost in a miasma of despair and self doubt when you are feeling most raw. Always take a moment to remind yourself of the following:

1) You are allowed to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Grant yourself the time to process things if you need it.
2) Be kind to yourself and know that your worth is not determined by others.
3) Don’t feel obligated to do anything on a date that you don’t want to do.
4) Be your authentic self when you meet someone new.
5) You don’t have to lower your standards or play part in the dating ‘game’.
6) Share your feelings. If you’d like to see someone again, tell them instead of waiting for them to text. Life is too short to follow baseless gender rules.
7) It’s okay to wear your heart on your sleeve.
8) You will probably go on a few bad dates but hey, it’s all part of the experience right!
8) If a guy disappears because you didn’t put out/you showed keen interest/you had sex on the first date/you set boundaries/you asked the hard questions, then they were never right for you in the first place. Don’t settle.

I don’t really know where to begin with this one so I guess I’ll introduce you to Tikhon. 6’2, Russian/Polish guy who completed schooling in London, before moving to Melbourne in search of an adventure abroad. Rough bed hair, smooth skin, gorgeous eyes and large hands.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been asked on a proper date, and even longer still since I’ve been on a good one. We met outside the State Library steps, and you were very punctual. You wore polished dress shoes and a black shirt with skinny jeans and a suede jacket. It’s not often that someone looks better in person than in their photos, especially not on dating sites. Yet somehow, you were so much more attractive in person than what your photos conveyed.

The true definition of a poor man’s Hugh Grant, you had an exotic accent that sounded like a culmination of your living experiences abroad. Even now, I can’t quite pin which accent comes out the strongest.

After grabbing shitty coffee from the local store and nearly burning a third of my taste buds off, I realised for the first time how tall you were. There was something incredibly sexy about you that made me wet with desire. Amidst the initial awkwardness of strangers meeting for the first time, I started to notice the undeniable chemistry building between us. Slowly at first, and then later progressing to unwavering eye contact and careful but deliberate acts of physical touch.

We walked through Carlton Gardens and I noticed your hand slowly brushing up against mine, with tender moments of caress. I don’t remember what we were talking about at the time, but it felt nice to converse with a handsome stranger. Eventually, we made our way to a large-scale mosaic art piece and instantly, I was mesmerised. The brilliant bursts of colour, mapped distinctly into a gorgeous story of heroes among fire – this was by far the best tour of Melbourne I had ever been on!

You learn a lot about a person based on the way they treat those who are not owed acts of benevolence. We helped a blind couple hail down a taxi and you did not hesitate to get the door for them when it arrived. You also saved the man from an unfortunate misstep which would have ended with his face directly upon a light pole. If it was an all act, then it was a brilliant and consistent one – I’d like to think that kindness was just in your nature but you never know with people these days.

Slowly, we made our way to your favourite local wine bar, but not before passing another garden with a water feature that spread the particles into concentric domes. You asked if I’d be angry if you pushed me in, and at that moment I started to feel my body language soften. Over the course of the walk, my crafted walls slowly came down so by the time we got to the last garden, I was feeling incredibly comfortable around you.

You kissed me for the first time at that bar and even though you were a shitty kisser, it still made me FEEL. I’m making a concerted effort not to overthink or dwell on things, so from this point forward I am going to state facts. Questioning intention and trying to analyse actions has not done me any favours in the past so let’s avoid it altogether this time round.

We went back to your place after a glass of wine at the bar, and it was only once we got there I realised what was happening/about to happen. You had quite a minimalistic approach and I was impressed by how clean the apartment was. I had the best sex of my life that night. You knew your way around a woman’s body and understood the intricacies of foreplay. I can still feel your tongue flicking passionately against me and within minutes of us getting naked, I was practically begging to be fucked. And fuck me you did. The things you did to my body…Even a day later and I still shudder at the thought.

You were incredibly sweet the rest of the night and it was completely unexpected. Between forehead kisses, our hands interweaving and you calling me beautiful when I used the same word to describe the city from the balcony in the clouds, it felt like a weird simulated relationship for one night only. We cuddled on the couch afterward and you took off your robe so I could be warm. The hem just about trailed on the floor and I couldn’t help but to laugh at the sight, especially after seeing it on you just moments prior.

You walked around the apartment naked for a while, and we had a smoky cigarette outside. I remember thinking how entertaining the contrast between us was in that instant. A petite Taiwanese girl wearing a long bath robe that would put the Harry Potter one to shame, and a tall Russian guy sipping wine while stark naked in the 15 degree cold Melbourne air. Somehow, it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Afterwards, we shared random pieces of our lives with each other while you lay sprawled sideways on the bed. I imitated the ‘paint me like one of your French girls’ line and we both laughed. At some point, I could tell you were getting tired and you were even kind enough to offer for me to stay with you until I had to leave in the morning. I politely declined and made my way back to the Hilton, to hang out with Shahzad before he went back home to Sydney.

It was honestly the best date I’ve ever been on, and between the moments of passion and the naturality of the conversation, we never spoke about what it was that we wanted out of the date. I hope this whole thing wasn’t just some conquest for you and if it was, it was truly a massive effort. I’d like to catch up with you again and see where things go, but in the meantime I’ll continue to do life in the best way I know; with an open heart and mind.

It was lovely to meet you Tikhon, you handsome, intelligent man.

It’s remarkable to think that a full month has passed since I decided to leave Sydney on a whim and move down to Geelong. For me, there was barely any risk involved as my parents were already planning to move here in retirement. Build the dream house, be close to the ocean and get away from the large crowds engulfing major cities they said!

It was never my intention to relocate here, but over a particularly beautiful morning waking up to the sight of a pink sky moon, it dawned on me that life could be something more. The pandemic completely fucked us all into a protracted state of ennui and for some time, I thought there was no way out of it. My approach to everything became quite myopic, and I lost sight of the things that made me truly happy.

Beyond my relationships with friends, colleagues and family, I longed for adventure. I have always had so much love to give to those I care about but for some reason or another, none of my friends and family could involve themselves in the activities I truly felt recharged by. Whether it be down to money issues, time, laziness, lack of interest, overthinking or a feeling of consternation, I started to see that the only way for me to achieve my dreams was to do things on my own.

It’s been almost three years since I’ve been in a serious relationship, or one at all where a casual hookup isn’t involved. I’ve learnt to stop waiting for Mr Right, and am choosing to live in the here and now. How freeing it has been to truly understand that happiness is a choice that I can make everyday. So when the epiphanic thought popped into my mind that I could veer towards a nomadic lifestyle, unbound by the chains of geography, I went for it.

So far, it has paid off but a large portion of my heart still feels the pain of not being close to my incredible friends and family – the ones that were built upon endless pillars of memory and years of experience. I miss everyone like crazy and the transition from seeing my best friends every week to what it is now has been incredibly difficult. I’ve been going between moments of swimming in self doubt, to feeling hopeful about forming new lifelong connections with other humans. I have crossed paths with some really nice people but it’s different altogether trying to build to a real friendship where you can call each other anytime, and get to a point of genuine comfortability.

Last week, I attended my first ever speed dating event where I was more interested in sussing out potential friends than actually hitting it off with a guy. In doing so, I probably wasted a lot of people’s time which I feel a bit bad about. In my first week here, I reached out to the only person I knew well enough from Melbourne to actually hang out with. His name was Harrison and I had met him through one of my best friends. I always knew Harrison was a good person, and someone I could imagine as becoming a close friend very easily. The part I was not prepared for, was the insane connection I felt towards him on a non-platonic level. How easy it was to chat about life, love and everything in-between over lunch and a few drinks. How rare it is to meet someone that you instantly feel comfortable with, someone to share secrets with as if you’ve known them your whole life.

You asked me if I’d ever been in love, or if I believed in ‘the one’ and I could feel your vast blue eyes searching the very souls of mine. In that moment, I truly did believe that soulmates could exist and I longed for a chance to explore the concept of ‘us’ further. Something about our interaction that day moved me, and suddenly I was reminded that my heart could still feel. That maybe, just maybe it could one day beat for another.

It is an incredibly humbling experience to be able to sit for hours with someone while the cacophony of crowd somehow mumbles its way into the background, as wallpaper. In that moment, there was no one else but you and I, singing songs of our lost loves while watching the world go past through the ripples trailing behind Yarra River hire boats.