There are so many metaphors for life in nature. Glacial ice starts off as snow, like a freshly created memory – delicate. It compresses under the weight of the future and eventually becomes too solid to mould. But it builds beneath the ground on which we stand and that is the culmination of our past. The snow has fallen, the memory cemented. It cannot unfall. We are the glaciers.

Whenever I talk about the experience to friends, I can see it for what it really was. A toxic, conditional kind of relationship where I never felt safe or secure. So why is it when I reminisce in quiet moments, I start to romanticise the past? The right person will always bring out the best in you, and at the very least, the truth of who you are. I was unrecognisable to everyone including myself, and the anxiety I developed was unlike anything I’d ever known.

But I believe everything happens for a reason, and I am where I am today because of a series of seemingly unrelated events. Without the unwavering support of my team through my darkest times of self-doubt, my career would have ended. My professional reputation would have been adversely impacted and I wouldn’t have been fit for any decent paying role in the aftermath. That means I wouldn’t have gone on to travel as much as I did in 2023 or have the right mindset and financial tools to make this world trip a reality for 2024.

Dreams are nice to have, but you can’t taste the sweetness of success in the realm of imagination. As I reflect on a more distant past, I realise that I have gone through my fair share of traumatic events and I’ve made it out alive each time, stronger than before. I can’t always be the saviour, and I still am yet to learn how to accept someone else’s care and affection without turning defensive. Maybe it will be easy with the right person, maybe it will always take time to adjust.

Though I may not feel it in the present, I know how strong and resilient I’ve become. I know I will always find the courage to move on, no matter the wreckage. Poetry inspires me to do so, as do humans, the world and everything inbetween.

There’s a school of thought by Lao Tzu which infers that anxiety is living in the future, depression is living in the past. To be at peace is to live in the present, because you never know what may happen next. That is what makes life more beautiful; its ephemeral and unpredictable nature. What’s important is finding meaning in the things we do and being intentional in how we choose to spend our time.

I realise increasingly that my attention span is becoming shorter and sometimes I catch myself scrolling shorts for hours on end. I imagine myself putting everything away and engrossing myself in a book or some form of self-education. Truth be told, I rarely do because I’m not in the mood to engage with more complex topics. But today, I found myself reaching for that book, doing research on world economics and it consumed me. I have never enjoyed studying, but I have always been interested in new experiences, knowledge and connections. I rediscovered my passion for learning.

I’m nervous about what comes next, after my world trip has ended. Because that has been a lifelong dream that has been years in the making. I don’t know who I’ll be at the finish line, but I look forward to meeting that version of Es. People talk about being afraid of failure, I have always feared success. I am proud of everything I have achieved on my own, but sometimes I don’t think I’ve been deserving of it. Perhaps this is what imposter syndrome feels like. Does anyone else feel this way?

All I know is that it takes real courage to stay kind in a world so cruel and sometimes, I catch myself turning cold. I want to always be the person that tries because they give a shit. I want to stay the person that cries because they care. I wonder if anyone still fights for the things they believe in anymore, or if I’m the only idiot left misunderstood. Everyone’s experiences are so different and as I grow older, I realise that intention and perception are not always aligned. I think I’m alright with looking the fool, because at least my actions are always from the heart.

I was 29 when I wrote my last post, promising myself that I’d be more in the present for this 2024 year. And I have. Though it feels unfamiliar, I have found myself being more calm and resilient in situations where I otherwise would be more affected. Nostalgic recollections have always plagued my private life, making me yearn for experiences of the past. But I am all too certain that the mind can be deceiving, and is often selective in what it chooses to revisit. We are often guilty of remembering only the good times because the highs that accompany those big feelings are so powerfully imprinted on our memories. It can be easy to mistaken these experiences as losses. But most of the time, the decisions you made then were a deliberate protection from a future you knew wasn’t for you.

There are certain people that can knock you off your orbit and change you forever. In their wake, all that is left is a flurry of questions that you will never get answers for. Not honest ones anyway, the raw ones that we’re all too afraid to show others. For me, that has been the hardest lesson. To give myself closure, and to take ownership for only my own actions and reactions. I cannot will someone to be more mature, caring or genuine than the person they are. I have started to believe in reality rather than the potential of who someone could be at their best. We tend to question ourselves and overthink with the passing of time about whether or not things could have been different. But at the end of the day, all we have is ourselves, the people we choose to love and what is in front of us.

Upon the backdrop of my white frosted dream come true in Kanazawa, I shed my final tears over the man who stole my dreamer heart a year and a half ago. I let him go to avoid losing myself in the process of loving a man who promised me the world and gave me fragments. I nearly did though. I have waited a year for us to have the conversation I thought we owed to each other, but I’ve come to accept that he hasn’t the heart to do so. That’s okay. At least I know I tried my very best in spite of everything.

Though I do wonder, did we become strangers overnight because he stopped caring altogether? Or is it because he still does? Who knows, maybe he never did and he was just enamoured by the idea of me. Sometimes you read a piece of writing, shared straight from the soul of another person who has been hurt in the same way you have. And it makes you feel seen. It makes you feel understood, and it validates what you already knew to be true. That it wasn’t your fault.

Maybe I’ll never feel that same magic when we first met again in this lifetime, maybe that’s a good thing. Though there will always be a part of me that thinks of you and wonders how you’re doing, I doubt we’ll ever cross paths again. I still don’t know what real love looks like, aside from in my imagination. But I know it’ll be worth the wait if I ever do find it.

Three months until the world!

As I approach the end of yet another year, I can’t help but to think how profound 2023 was for me. The lessons I’ve learned, the experiences I’ve had, the memories I’ve gained and the friendships I’ve made…they have been life-changing. I have big plans for my 30th birthday next year and will finally be able to fulfil my dream of seeing the world, one that has been postponed too many times to count. I’ve travelled more than I ever have this year, and I can’t even begin to imagine what it will be like to quit my job and do it full-time for 8+ months. I am so proud of what I have been able to achieve and am so grateful for the support of my family, friends and work family. I set a few goals for myself at the start of the year which I have managed to fulfil. For 2024, I want to set a few more so I’ll put them here to keep myself accountable:

1. Become fluent enough in Spanish to communicate with locals
2. Get to 65kg by the time I leave for South America in June
3. Learn to slow down over the next six months so I can save money
4. Exercise at least 30 minutes a day so that I’m fit enough to climb mountains
5. Be more patient and give myself space to feel my feelings
6. Spend a full day in nature at least once a fortnight

I cannot believe how incredible this year has been and I can’t wait for what is yet to come. When I look back at this post in years to come, I want to remember my favourite memories from 2023. I want to remember that I was brave enough to follow my heart and pursue my dreams. I want to know that I really lived life to the fullest, and I truly hope I never lose the drive to continue this way. It’s who I am.

~Took up guitar lessons~
~Narrowly avoided being in a car accident on my birthday due to sheer luck~
~Celebrated the most amazing birthday with my friends from Sydney/Geelong/Melbourne all coming together for the weekend~
~Sunflower picking at sunset with a beautiful mountain backdrop~
~First ever helicopter ride through Kakadu National Park~
~Travelled around the Top End and ticked off the final state in Australia~
~Negotiated a significant pay rise~
~Saw the beautiful Autumn colours in Bright~
~Got my nose pierced after years of hesitation~
~Solo trip to Queenstown/Glenorchy/Wanaka/Arrowtown~
~Stayed at a hostel for the first time~
~Completed Project Management course~
~Got published after performing at a poetry event~
~Met a wonderful man who reminded me it was okay to dream big~
~Swam with whale sharks~
~Trekked through Sapa with the ethnic Black Hmong people~
~Explored Northern Vietnam on the back of a bike~
~Quality time with the kids at Eden~
~Spending time with dad’s air force friends~
~Completed the Wineglass Bay and Marion’s Lookout hike~
~Foam Fest silliness~
~Experiencing the most magical sunsets and sunrises from my apartment~
~Moving out of Southbank~
~Attacked by a disgusting tick while on a camping trip~
~Theatre and live performances: Tchaikovsky concert, Hamilton, Phantom of the Opera, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, 2:22, Punk Rock Factory, Greece Lightning, Godz, Matador, Love Lust Lost, Wrestlerock, Moulin Rouge~
~Visited charming Victorian towns: Bright, Beechworth, Marysville, Healesville, Wilson’s Prom, Phillip Island, Bendigo, Ballarat, Castlemaine, Kyneton, Daylesford, Dandenongs, Mornington Peninsula, Lakes Entrance, Port Fairy, Warrnambool~

These are some of the big wins, but interspersed between them are the small, everyday wins that we don’t generally reflect on. It’s important to acknowledge them too. Sometimes finding the courage to face the day when you’re feeling overwhelmed with life, memories or future prospects is enough.

Sometimes, things happen when you least expect and a fresh start comes in the form of a shadow not previously known to you. In that moment, we can choose to cling to the familiar past, or let go of our inhibitions entirely. This week, I met a man who reminded me that there were other people, good people worth being curious about. I sometimes find I put too much weight on symbols, wanting them to be coincidences that I can reason into the stars being aligned.

I thought that the eighth person I was with would be the last, because I wanted it to be. If Nate wasn’t to be the one, then I was damned sure my next choice would be. But meaning tends only to be apparent in retrospect, unless it is assigned, at which point it was probably willed. And that is way too much pressure to put on ourselves and others if we are so hardened by our vision that we aren’t open to the process.

I think about why I am so drawn to 18 July, or my licence, or my number plate. At the end of the day, they’re all just characters on a page, dates on a calendar. I know what I’m ultimately looking for and that won’t change. But I’m reminded that I can also be curious about people I cross paths with and just let things flow naturally without thinking too much about the future.

Being with Ryan this past week has really helped to rebalance my way of thinking. There are plenty of wonderful people out there, and some that you will connect with more than others. But it’s important to respect and appreciate everyone’s uniqueness. Do not let comparison be the death of joy. We are not looking to recapture previous experiences, so let them stay as fond memories of a time that was. Be in the moment with whatever you do, and just have fun.

I know I have. And it’s thanks to my unexpectedly sweet, one week fling with a kind gentleman from England.

Last week I attended my first ever poetry slam, which seems odd given my long-known love for the art. I never intended to perform and nor did I have a spoken word piece ready to share. But under the soft glow of the hanging lights in this East Melbourne bar, I found my voice. We were simultaneously in the heart of the city, and also left of the exact middle of nowhere. In that moment, it was just me and thirty strangers. We held space for each other, and respected the inbetween silences. They were as comfortable as a cat nuzzling into the nook of its favourite furniture. As I spoke, I could feel the emotion wash over me. My voice would crack at times as I relived the moment I wrote this piece and truly believed that I had found my person. And as I finished, I felt proud. Everyone clapped. I realised one indisputable fact that night, reflected through the eyes of my audience. And that is, all of us have experienced romantic dreams and unfathomable heartbreak. How comforting yet sad that is.

It is rare that I am as lost for words as I was while travelling through Queenstown. It has somehow maintained its enchanting allure and is even more beautiful than I remember. When I look at these photos, I forget the world and I am calm ❤

This year I’m learning to use my alone time more wisely, to give myself the means for introspection and creativity. My imagination runs freely in the realm of my dreams and I seldom give myself the opportunity to do this while in a conscious state. When I have sat with my thoughts, I’ve been afraid of what feelings they may evoke within me. But sometimes all we need to do is acknowledge them, to surrender entirely to the secret world of our minds and be okay with unoccupied moments. So instead of running or distracting myself, I’m simply going to let things be.

The relationship each of us has with ourselves will always be the most important one, above all others. I’ve flaunted my busyness like a badge of honour throughout the years, and I’ve become so accustomed to having a full schedule that I’ve lost my ability to self-soothe in quiet moments. Even though I have an incredible support network, I don’t want to be dependent on others to find my inner peace when my thoughts run wild. I want to be better at dealing with difficult emotions and so, I’m going to start having conversations with myself, holding space and showing the same compassion and empathy as I would to any of my loved ones. Eventually you realise they’re just feelings, and they can only hurt you as much as you allow them to.

I want to approach dating with the same curiosity that I had a year ago. Speaking to the people I have, it is evident that many have been burned by their experiences and this unknowingly seeps into the next. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle that I would like to navigate carefully myself, because it is unfair to project your hurt onto others. Even so, I’m perfectly content on my own and will only choose to be with someone who adds to my life. I am proud of the person I’ve become and I have so much love around me. It would be silly to settle for anything less than what it is I am looking for in a partner, even if those standards seem high. I really do believe my soulmate is out there somewhere, waiting to be found.

I can only control what is within my control so that’s what I’ll focus on. It will happen for me exactly when it is meant to, and I trust the universe is there to guide me along the way. Life isn’t designed to be easy all the time and I accept the good, the bad and the inbetween.

Do you ever get wrapped up in a feeling of immense awe for everything you’ve been blessed with? This morning, as the rain pelted down from the sky, obscuring the silhouette of the mountains that I’ve grown accustomed to waking up to the sight of, I felt a calmness wash over me. I am incredibly lucky for the opportunities that have come my way, and the beautiful people that I have had the privilege to know. Whilst things don’t always go according to plan, or the way we’d like them to, I truly believe that every obstacle we overcome only makes us wiser and more self-aware.

My two goals in life are to be a good person and to make the most of my short time on this earth doing whatever it is that makes me happy. As someone once dear to me said, “enough money to not care about money, enough time to have choices and enough love to never feel lonely.” Even though he is no longer a part of my world, his words have stayed as poignantly true as they did the first time I read them through enamoured eyes. Through the years, I have become increasingly impulsive, without too much thought of the repercussions of me speaking my truth. So long as my intentions come from a place of love and grace, I will continue to do so.

Why should we walk this earth without expressing our feelings? I’ve denied that part of me in the past but I’ve come to love that side of myself. She is brave and strong, even if at times a little fearful. I’d like to think that the fear helps me evolve into something more and I no longer care about conventional norms or the best way to play the game. And fuck it, if this really is all a game, then I’d like to be the protagonist of my own story. I will always strive to be true to myself even if it leads to unintended consequences. At least I know I’ll have always tried my best and that’s the best any of us can do.

This year is going to filled with adventures that are too great to count and I am so looking forward to experiencing it all.