A Closed Chapter…

I have learned some very difficult but necessary truths from this journey with Nate. Sometimes you try your best and it’s still not enough. That’s not a reflection on you and somewhere out there, my person awaits. I now realise I dived head first into a losing battle from the very beginning. Trying to build a future with a man that had idealism at the forefront of his search for his forever partner meant that I could never live up to his expectations. I destroyed parts of myself trying to understand his paradox of wanting to find the one, but expecting the demise of everything good in his life.

I’ve learned that feelings are not static, and that people use their trauma to excuse poor behaviour and mixed messages. That really impacted my sense of self-worth, because how could someone say to you one day that you’re the most special person they’ve ever met and that your voice is their favourite sound in the world, and then have zero regard for your feelings the next? That they’d never connected with anyone like this before and they’d told their friends that you could genuinely be the one?

It was the loneliest I have ever felt while being involved with someone and I often wondered to myself what the point of staying was. Being with Nate felt like having someone without ever really having them at all. I couldn’t confide in him about anything, his efforts would be inconsistent, and making plans felt like pulling teeth. I lost the space of calm that I’ve always prided myself on, and I started to long for his attention which he would give in fleeting but grand moments.

He knew all the right things to say, but when it really mattered, he couldn’t live up to his promises. Caught between trying to appease the person whose behaviour was so hard to read, I began to lose myself in the cognitive dissonance of what I now realise was his disorganised attachment at play. The constant highs and lows left me in a permanently confused and anxious state of mind and I didn’t know who I was anymore. He was a master manipulator, operating under the facade of being a hopeless romantic with a troubled past.

Nate was always chasing the big feeling, and hoping that he’d know when he felt it. But I am better than that. I know that true connection takes time, a lot of work, communication and commitment to cultivate into something real. I’m not searching for one in a million, I’m looking for enough. Because to me, that is a high but realistic bar. If your idea of love is based off your feelings in the moment, then you can’t possibly know what it is. Because feelings are fickle, and they will fail you once the initial euphoria of getting to know a person fades. You have to choose to be present with the person each day otherwise every relationship you pursue will be a dead end.

Looking back, perhaps we were both sold on a fantasy of each other given how this all started. A whirlwind romance while I was abroad, with both of us taking express but virtual courses in each other’s lives and pasts. Of course we would have filled the gaps with our imaginations. I never felt fully comfortable in his presence, and even less so in the inbetween moments, always uncertain of whether he still had feelings for me. Even with more exposure, it never felt more natural and I realise now that I was longing for the dream of this man as I’d painted him in my imaginarium.

I will miss the initial days of our little story, where I looked forward to receiving messages from him, where we never ran out of things to say to one another, and where our very beings were so aligned that there was never any room for question. But beyond that, he gave me nothing but the promise of a fantasy. He played with my feelings carelessly and excused his poor and inconsistent behaviour constantly. He had to control the narrative, and even after a mutual breakup, he managed to make me feel like I was the one who’d been broken up with. We’d emotionally bonded over a lot of his past traumas and that created a false sense of closeness.

I’ve read somewhere that it’s not about how someone feels about you, what matters is how someone makes you feel about yourself. I never felt like I could be myself in his presence and it’s heartbreaking knowing that I put myself through that for as long as I did. Though it’s been hard to leave, my journal entries speak the hard truth. That there has never been a moment where I have felt certain about him. Next time, I need to trust my intuition more. Because if something doesn’t feel right, it usually isn’t.

It’s taken a while for my heart to catch up to what my mind already knew. That there was something dark lurking beneath the charming facade of this quiet, introspective man. I’m glad I got out when I did, because I don’t know who I would have become if this continued on. The past week has been filled with a lot of self reflection, and I’ve collapsed in tears after asking a million unanswerable questions. But moving on is a choice, and the first step is accepting that things did not work out irrespective of the reason. I’ve asked myself two important questions to keep me grounded when my thoughts start to loop: Was I happy in the relationship? Did I feel like I could be 100% myself? The answer to both is no, and that’s all that matters.

I once thought he could have been my great love, but I now realise he came into my life for a reason. To teach me some important lessons about myself and relationships. Next time, I’m not settling for anything less than I deserve, because I am enough. I should have seen the warning signs earlier but I won’t make the same mistakes again.

Nate

I’ve small hands but big eyes to memorise moments of wonder when I see them sprinkled across deserted sidewalks and everyday crevices.

I’ve gotten used to being on the outside looking in but with you, I feel like I can live out the story that exists within my Imaginarium.

And it’s no less real than my wildest dreams only for the first time, that world has materialised into something tangible in technicolour.

Everything’s been backward but baby I’m starting to think I was just facing the wrong way.

If eternity lasts in circles, then stepping stones don’t matter. And if this isn’t magic, then I don’t know what is.

So take me to the place where the harbour ends and we’ll leave our fears nestled quietly in the soles of our shoes, where they can be forgotten in lieu of a life that could be.

My Best Foot Forward

It’s been a long time since I’ve genuinely been at risk of liking someone but there’s something special about our conversations that I can’t ignore. I owe it to myself to explore this further to see if it’s real and worth pursuing. Talking with Nate has just felt so comfortable and warm. My best friend once said to me that sometimes the greatest connections start with inexplicable familiarity rather than the textbook butterflies you often associate with new romance. Even if it doesn’t work out, I’d still be grateful to have had these moving conversations with a total stranger. I’d file these memories amongst other inspirational moments within the libraries of my mind and happily look back at this small period of my life. Sometimes there are coincidences that can’t be explained, like the fact that I started speaking to him on 18 July which is a very significant date for me. Perhaps this is just me assigning meaning to nothing at all but for now I’ll take it as a sign from the universe that I was destined to cross paths with this incredible human.

How?

Oh fantasy man, how did you know?
Where my guarded heart was kept,
Underneath the skin of something
So perfectly disguised,
It could have been mistaken for wallpaper.

Perhaps the way you held me, so inviting,
Was just the experience of your years.
But to me, your arms unwrapped the desire
I had lulled to sleep years prior.
The steel fortress I built melting like butter in an instant,
Reminding me of how truly vulnerable I could be
In the presence of another.

And suddenly I was naked for more.

How did you know where to touch me,
If you’ve never known me?

Journal Entry from a Past Me

One

She chases the songbirds that live in the corners of her world and opens her heart to moments. She comes face to face with Love, speculates that it’s been a while, and thanks him for visiting. Love is then bid a tender farewell, for she knows the very nature of him is fleeting and awash with uncertainty. She will welcome him back at any given opportunity so those moments can collect to form part of her private constellation. But she learned that the brightest and most visceral twinkles in her ever-growing galaxy are made up of her and her alone. The other specks only provide nuance to an already spectacular backdrop.

Toothbrush to the Bicycle Tyre

They told me that I was meant for the cleaner life,
that you would drag me through the mud.
They said that you would tread all over me,
that they could see right through you,
that you were full of hot air,
that I would always be chasing, always watching you disappear after sleeker models that would be a vicious cycle.

But I know better.

I know about your rough edges and I have seen your perfect curves,
I will fit into whatever space you’ll let me.
If loving you means getting dirty, bring on the grime,
I will leave this porcelain hole behind.
I’m used to twice a day relationships but with you I’ll take all the time.
And I know we live in different worlds and we’re always really busy,
but in my dreams you spin around me so fast I always wake up dizzy.

So maybe one day you’ll grow tired of the road,
and roll on back to me,
and when I blink my eyes into morning
your smile will be the only one I see.

– Sarah Kay

The Big Lessons

It’s an odd thing to consider that personal growth can be accelerated when you are forced to confront your limiting beliefs during moments of intense emotional experience. The past six months have catalysed a profound inner journey for me, where I feel I have learnt more in this short period than in the past ten years.

Sometimes you realise that these new revelations are in fact, things you’ve known for a long time but have never had to put into practice. And so the true value of the lesson lays dormant, its weight never being exacted on your conscience until you find yourself in the midst of the unknown.

A whole new meaning is then given to the phrases you’ve nonchalantly repeated as gospel; things that you’ve heard other wise souls say in some distant past. For the first time, it is felt.

I want to share some of the important lessons I’ve learnt with you:

Sometimes you meet people who are incompatible with your flavour of life. You may have arguments over differences in opinion and find that your worst selves are brought out during your interactions with one other. That doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means that they are not your people and that’s okay.
You can only control that which is within your control. Read that again.
Sometimes you have to seek your own truth from within, even if that means accepting you may never hear theirs. Give yourself the closure you deserve.
Do not loathe or fear that which forces you to reconsider your entire understanding of self. Instead, befriend the person or thing that has challenged your views, embrace them like an old friend and thank them for inspiring meaningful change within you.
Take every rejection as a blessing and protection from a future that was not meant to be.
Always keep the inner child within you alive, as she is the one who guards the realm of your dreams.
Always chase the things that make you truly happy so that one day when you’re old, you can be proud of everything you dared to try.
You alone reap the benefits of whatever decisions you make in life so go and follow that trail of wonder.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Don’t be saddened by relationships that are ephemeral in nature, for they brought magic to your life at one point in time. Be thankful.
Always be the truest version of yourself and keep your head held high. Do not stoop to other people’s levels when they exhibit toxic behaviour. Move on and have respect for your own boundaries.
You are worthy of whatever it is you seek in this world so go and live an extraordinary life.
Major change can be incredibly unnerving and is designed to be challenging. As such, it is completely normal to cling to the safety of what is known at first but eventually, you need both feet in the present to be able to experience the now in full.
Give yourself permission to really feel your feelings. Everything will be okay in the end, I promise.
Always keep a soft heart but arm yourself with tremendous mental fortitude. Remember, no one can take away something that you gave to yourself.
Regularly practice self-reflection through journalling, meditation or the like. It is an incredibly rewarding time investment that is nurturing to the mind, body and soul.
No joke is worth telling if it is at the expense of another person’s feelings. It is possible to be funny without ever being mean.
Whilst actions do speak louder than words, don’t forget to speak your truths and remind your loved ones of how much they mean to you.

These Are My

Amidst the highs and lows of life, the chaotic effects of the pandemic and the value placed on individualism within Australia, it can be easy to think only of yourself. I often overlook the hardship that my parents went through when they applied for permanent residency here so that their kids could have better opportunities growing up. I realise that despite my best intentions, I can be selfish and egotistical at times, particularly towards my mum who has only ever wanted what’s best for me. And it is only after bathing in the stillness of self-reflection that I see the error of my ways.

I’ve taken for granted the home that they’ve provided me, all of the wisdom they’ve imparted to help me succeed and most of all, their generosity. Sometimes you need to remind yourself of the sacrifices they made so that you could be where you are today. You need to remember your roots so that you don’t lose sight of what’s truly important. I hope this post will serve as a reminder to anyone who has fallen into the trap of unwarranted expectation, myself included.

Mum and dad built their life here brick by brick, collecting lost coins from the pavement as if it were valuable treasure and working laboriously in dead-end jobs just to provide for the five of us. They’ve tasted the earth all so that we could stand tall on their backs and breathe the fresh air. Mum says, “I know you must think poorly of my basic English after all these years” to which I respond, “no mum, I’m proud of you.”

We often forget that many first-generation immigrants (prior to the globalised world we know today) relocated out of necessity, and generally into Western nations where there was likely a language barrier. This meant leaving your career and reputation behind in your hometown, as it didn’t matter how successful you were in Taiwan if you couldn’t talk business in English. I don’t know if I would have been able to make that kind of commitment so I can only sit here in immense awe contemplating their bravery. That kind of courage will take you places.

It’s hard to be a good person sometimes…I mean how does one even begin to define such a characteristic? Perhaps it’s the ability to confront all the ugly parts of yourself, the ones that you don’t want to admit to. Perhaps it’s taking the time to always remind your loved ones how much you care about and appreciate them. Perhaps it’s having the courage to admit you were wrong and acknowledging the things that most frighten you. Or maybe ‘good’ just means being pure of heart and wanting the best for everyone.

I haven’t found a definitive answer for this one yet but I will always be selfless when it comes to people I care about. We shouldn’t blindly subscribe to cultural norms or feel the need to conform to all these societal expectations. You get one life so you should spend it doing whatever it is that makes you truly happy. Go chase those dreams, no matter how ridiculous they may seem. What is real is you and your connections, your wins, your orgasms, your hopes, your fears. I am not extraordinary, but I want to live an extraordinary life so that one day when I’m old, I can be proud of all the things I dared to try.

Support Networks

When the people around you are crumbling and you’re the only one left standing strong, what can you do to support them without taking on the weight of their problems? You can show empathy and listen. Empathy is an incredible gift that only grows the more you give it to others. For the longest time I believed that people’s mental health struggles were self-imposed and therefore repairable with a simple attitude change or endorphin rush. I didn’t see the impact of my insensitivity on others, as I genuinely believed that depression was the construct of a weak mind.

I’ve learned a lot since.

Whilst we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness, sometimes a little help is needed for us to get back on our feet at times when we feel lost or defeated. And if during this time the people who are meant to care about us are avoidant or dismissive, it can lead to devastating consequences. Humans are social creatures and it is paramount for us to have a strong support network in order to thrive. It makes a world of difference to know that no matter what happens, your falls will always be cushioned by the love of your family and friends.

As I grow older, I realise how much I prefer of one-on-one catch ups to large group events. In the former, you really get to know a person intimately through their stories which allows for a deeper appreciation of who they are. I know the value of belonging and how much it can shape one’s sense of self and hence, have always made every effort to ensure everyone feels included and welcome. But trying to join an existing group with shared histories that you can’t ever begin to entertain is another challenge altogether. Sometimes these people inadvertently form cliques and don’t realise how isolating it is for a newcomer to be part of the group by invitation, but never by feel.

It is an incredibly challenging situation to navigate, and the mere thought of social displacement is all very new to me. How paradoxical it is to be so sure of yourself as a person and yet seek validation from a new group that you are worthy of their friendship. The formation of a real relationship requires significant time investment and this increases exponentially in group situations. So the real question I need to ask myself is whether I am committed to trying long-term. In any case, this has made me even more grateful and appreciative of the friends I have back in Sydney. My heart will always be filled with the warmth of our memories together and that gives me the strength to look bravely towards the future.