It is rare that I am as lost for words as I was while travelling through Queenstown. It has somehow maintained its enchanting allure and is even more beautiful than I remember. When I look at these photos, I forget the world and I am calm ❤
I am an artist, born not for the world to see.
But to share sprinkles of my inner world,
With those that dare to leave a footprint,
However deep, however small, however faded.
I used to shut close the libraries of my mind,
Each chapter in succession.
Until I realised the book of life continues,
Unapologetic like the river stream before me.
And when the scabs from thirty pages ago
Graduate to scars, I will no longer pick at them.
No longer revisit them, apart from in moments of fondness.
The colours of its spine fill with the brilliant shades
Of my memories.
And they will continue to glow,
Even in the darkest of light.
It’s recently dawned on me that I have found the roadmap to life. I have found the real meaning: and that is, to chase what makes you happy. However that may evolve, so long as you stay true to what you value in the moment, then there won’t be space for regrets or hesitation. I walked through our campsite at dawn today, the Autumn leaves spread among the entire valley that sits within Mount Beauty. A fitting name indeed.
And I had a thought: One day, I will have someone to share this with, someone to sit idly by the river with, whose company I am so comfortable in that I have found home in a person. Wouldn’t that be magical?
This year I’m learning to use my alone time more wisely, to give myself the means for introspection and creativity. My imagination runs freely in the realm of my dreams and I seldom give myself the opportunity to do this while in a conscious state. When I have sat with my thoughts, I’ve been afraid of what feelings they may evoke within me. But sometimes all we need to do is acknowledge them, to surrender entirely to the secret world of our minds and be okay with unoccupied moments. So instead of running or distracting myself, I’m simply going to let things be.
The relationship each of us has with ourselves will always be the most important one, above all others. I’ve flaunted my busyness like a badge of honour throughout the years, and I’ve become so accustomed to having a full schedule that I’ve lost my ability to self-soothe in quiet moments. Even though I have an incredible support network, I don’t want to be dependent on others to find my inner peace when my thoughts run wild. I want to be better at dealing with difficult emotions and so, I’m going to start having conversations with myself, holding space and showing the same compassion and empathy as I would to any of my loved ones. Eventually you realise they’re just feelings, and they can only hurt you as much as you allow them to.
I want to approach dating with the same curiosity that I had a year ago. Speaking to the people I have, it is evident that many have been burned by their experiences and this unknowingly seeps into the next. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle that I would like to navigate carefully myself, because it is unfair to project your hurt onto others. Even so, I’m perfectly content on my own and will only choose to be with someone who adds to my life. I am proud of the person I’ve become and I have so much love around me. It would be silly to settle for anything less than what it is I am looking for in a partner, even if those standards seem high. I really do believe my soulmate is out there somewhere, waiting to be found.
I can only control what is within my control so that’s what I’ll focus on. It will happen for me exactly when it is meant to, and I trust the universe is there to guide me along the way. Life isn’t designed to be easy all the time and I accept the good, the bad and the inbetween.
Do you ever get wrapped up in a feeling of immense awe for everything you’ve been blessed with? This morning, as the rain pelted down from the sky, obscuring the silhouette of the mountains that I’ve grown accustomed to waking up to the sight of, I felt a calmness wash over me. I am incredibly lucky for the opportunities that have come my way, and the beautiful people that I have had the privilege to know. Whilst things don’t always go according to plan, or the way we’d like them to, I truly believe that every obstacle we overcome only makes us wiser and more self-aware.
My two goals in life are to be a good person and to make the most of my short time on this earth doing whatever it is that makes me happy. As someone once dear to me said, “enough money to not care about money, enough time to have choices and enough love to never feel lonely.” Even though he is no longer a part of my world, his words have stayed as poignantly true as they did the first time I read them through enamoured eyes. Through the years, I have become increasingly impulsive, without too much thought of the repercussions of me speaking my truth. So long as my intentions come from a place of love and grace, I will continue to do so.
Why should we walk this earth without expressing our feelings? I’ve denied that part of me in the past but I’ve come to love that side of myself. She is brave and strong, even if at times a little fearful. I’d like to think that the fear helps me evolve into something more and I no longer care about conventional norms or the best way to play the game. And fuck it, if this really is all a game, then I’d like to be the protagonist of my own story. I will always strive to be true to myself even if it leads to unintended consequences. At least I know I’ll have always tried my best and that’s the best any of us can do.
This year is going to filled with adventures that are too great to count and I am so looking forward to experiencing it all.
I didn’t want you to be just another lesson.
I thought I’d learned enough for this time to be the last time.
In the beginning, I was excited to know you,
And in time, I became scared to lose you.
“Even if you’re just a future memory,” you’d said,
And that’s exactly what became of us.
Lord Huron said it right.
I really did have all and then most of you,
Some and now none of you.
I’m struggling to get over you because
What happened in Bali had to amount to something special right?
At least that’s what I tell myself.
I knew you’d gone through a lot in life,
And I took your comments personally anyway.
I miss the feeling of your arms around me,
The way your lips found a home in mine.
I know one day the pain will stop, and you will become a distant memory,
But for now, it still hurts like hell.
I think about you every morning,
And most nights before I fall asleep.
I don’t know how we became strangers,
But some part of me wishes you were still here by my side.
I’d never known a connection like this,
You’d said the same.
I was naive to your promises of a future,
Captivated by the allure of an imaginary you.
Maybe my standards in love were too high,
And I never really took the time to get to know you.
All of you.
For that, I am truly sorry.
Regret isn’t a feeling I’m well accustomed to, and
I hope I don’t have to taste loss like this again.
I will always be proud of myself for daring to try,
And I will continue to do so until the day I learn to fly.
Maybe next time will be the final time.
For now, I will write until I have nothing left to say.
You should have been a part of this photo.
Sometimes it’s not about the length of a relationship that dictates the amount of time you need to grieve the loss of it. This one was profound. It tugged at your heartstrings and made promises of a beautiful future that was violently pulled away without remorse. You sensed he was intense and a little broken, but he was never yours to save. And so you destroyed yourself in the process of trying to learn how to treat his wounds.
The depth of the connection was undeniable but when he showed you his true colours, you chose to stay in the past; the happier period where you both dreamt of forever together. No relationship can thrive in an environment of uncertainty for too long and you knew you deserved more. You needed more than the fragments he was offering.
When someone’s actions don’t match up with their words, you need to ask yourself why. When they show you exactly who they are, you need to believe what you see. Each part of this story shows the many facets of the same person, and none can be viewed in isolation. You may have thought he was your person, but real love doesn’t come with conditions. Love doesn’t provoke anxiety. Most of all, love should feel safe, nourishing and warm.
I know this experience has tarnished your sense of self and in the aftermath, you’re feeling a little lost. But I promise it will heal with time. You are still the person you’ve worked hard to become, so don’t ever forget that. Be proud. Please be kind to yourself and know that there will come a time when you feel this strongly for another again. Keep working on yourself and know that you are enough. You are worthy, lovable, fucking incredible.
He will always remain a core memory of a whirlwind romance that was. That can never be taken away from you, and one day you’ll look back at it all with gratitude. For all the lessons you learned, for reviving the feelings you thought you’d never feel again, for showing you exactly what it is you want in a partner. You won’t settle for anything less in the future.
You were right to walk away, and the pain you feel now only means that you truly cared. That’s a beautiful thing. Stay positive, for this is a storm you don’t have to weather alone. You have the support of your friends and family to cushion whatever hardships come your way in this lifetime. You are whole exactly as you are, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Remember, healing is never linear. Progress comes in the form of taking small steps towards your own happiness.
So take it one day at a time, and eventually you’ll wake up and the heartbreak will be replaced with calm. You’ll be ready to conquer the world again with eyes filled with wonder.
The past year has taught me so many invaluable lessons about myself, relationships, life and trauma.
One of the things I have been reminded of is how unpredictable people can be, and how long it takes to really get to know someone. Some days I still miss him and wish I’d been able to support him even while I was bleeding from all the holes he poked in me. I wish I was strong enough to maintain my space of calm, without becoming an anxious mess in response to his own deactivating strategies. I thought I was sure enough of myself as a person to not let my worth be affected by another but intimate relationships have a way of impacting you in profound and unexpected ways. The confusion is still there but I know to truly move on, I need to forgive and practice acceptance.
For me, that step is acknowledging that he wasn’t the person I thought he was and that our incompatibilities were too significant to bridge. I truly believe in my heart that none of his actions were malicious, and that a lot of the mixed signals he sent were a protective mechanism and trauma response to getting too close. I hope that one day we can be friends but I’ll leave it up to the universe to decide.
The people that know me best are the ones that inspired my decision to leave, and even though I’m back to square one, I know this presents opportunities for my future that are better suited to my happiness. I deserve more than what he was able to offer and to stay would have made me suffer. At the end of the day, I am a wanderer chasing wonder. Philisophically, it is important for me to have a partner who is growth-oriented, consistent and believes in the power of making choices. I want someone who is emotionally stable and equally fearless when it comes to taking chances, not someone who constantly thinks about the demise of everything. He exists out there somewhere and I truly believe that someday, we will cross paths.
I’ve put together a vision board for 2023 so I can maintain focus on the things I want to achieve and what is truly important to me. This year, I want to put myself first and learn as much as I can. I want to do nice things for people in hopes that they will pay it forward to others in turn. My contribution thus far has been giving away a free phone to someone in need and that felt really good.
This is the person I am. I am generous and warm, caring and supportive and I won’t let any bad experiences blacken that soft heart I pride myself on.
Happy new year everyone x
Sometimes when you’re working through the loss of something you saw real potential in, it can be all-consuming. But that’s the thing about potential: it’s the idea of what could have been, but there’s no promise there.
Heartbreak is hard, especially when you care deeply for someone you know isn’t right for you.
But it’s true what they say: endings pave way for new beginnings.
It is in these times, I try to practice gratitude for all the great things and people I have in my life. This is letter number one to my best friend and greatest supporter, Gigi.
Dear Nate,
You said that I haven’t been the same girl who wrote you that poem since I returned from Bali. You were right. She’d gotten a little lost whilst waiting for a safe space to come home to. But she never found it again with you apart from that one week in October where everything felt right.
It was ten days after we’d made up, one week after I’d learned about your caffeine overdose, three days after we’d gotten tipsy on sangrias, and two days after you were my proxy for beer pong.
That was when I wrote you this poem:
“I promise I won’t run from your scars.
Instead, I will hold gently the warmth of your memories in the palms of my hands;
All of your stories, the sound of your laugh, bigger than life itself;
And the endless barrage of emotions that escape your composure,
As I long to take away the pain.
I will place these carefully in a box crafted in your name;
Send them to the address that no one has ever known;
That elusive inner world so rich with life.
So that when you untwirl that ribbon,
You will relearn yourself again for the first time through these eyes.
And when you do, please know that,
I see you in all your cracked perfection.
So please stop pushing me away, because I’m not going anywhere.
Whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun;
Or the nights you collapse into my lap;
Your body broken into a thousand questions,
You are the most exquisite thing I have ever come across.”
Seventeen days later, you confided in me about your disorganised attachment style and that was when I was about to tell you that you had a home in me, if you wanted it. Your story broke my heart, and I didn’t want you to ever have to feel alone again. That day, I thought about how hard the journey ahead might be for us and ultimately, I decided that this was still worth investing in. We seemed to be in alignment when I left your place and you’d said some beautiful things about making space in your life for me. It’s amazing how quickly things can change huh? I think we can forgive ourselves and each other for hoping. Ultimately, it just wasn’t meant to be.
This is being delivered under different circumstances to what I had originally intended but my writing was always meant to be shared with the person it was about. I’m sorry it had to end this way and that we never got the chance to really know each other organically. Maybe ‘backwards’ wasn’t so great after all.
But for what it’s worth: Hello, my name is Estee. I love travelling, spontaneous weekend adventures and trying new things. I get cabin fever if I’m inside for too long and I value personal relationships above all else, because I think connections make life meaningful. I like to take risks and I often speak my truth through poetry cause that’s where I find wonder and inspiration. It was lovely to meet you.
You have taught me some invaluable lessons over the past few months and for that, I am truly grateful. I promise this will be the last time you hear from me and if it’s selfish of me to have sent you this, I hope you can forgive me.
This is how I give myself permission to move on.
– Es
Do I Dare Disturb The Universe? 