On A Rainy Melbourne Day

There’s a school of thought by Lao Tzu which infers that anxiety is living in the future, depression is living in the past. To be at peace is to live in the present, because you never know what may happen next. That is what makes life more beautiful; its ephemeral and unpredictable nature. What’s important is finding meaning in the things we do and being intentional in how we choose to spend our time.

I realise increasingly that my attention span is becoming shorter and sometimes I catch myself scrolling shorts for hours on end. I imagine myself putting everything away and engrossing myself in a book or some form of self-education. Truth be told, I rarely do because I’m not in the mood to engage with more complex topics. But today, I found myself reaching for that book, doing research on world economics and it consumed me. I have never enjoyed studying, but I have always been interested in new experiences, knowledge and connections. I rediscovered my passion for learning.

I’m nervous about what comes next, after my world trip has ended. Because that has been a lifelong dream that has been years in the making. I don’t know who I’ll be at the finish line, but I look forward to meeting that version of Es. People talk about being afraid of failure, I have always feared success. I am proud of everything I have achieved on my own, but sometimes I don’t think I’ve been deserving of it. Perhaps this is what imposter syndrome feels like. Does anyone else feel this way?

All I know is that it takes real courage to stay kind in a world so cruel and sometimes, I catch myself turning cold. I want to always be the person that tries because they give a shit. I want to stay the person that cries because they care. I wonder if anyone still fights for the things they believe in anymore, or if I’m the only idiot left misunderstood. Everyone’s experiences are so different and as I grow older, I realise that intention and perception are not always aligned. I think I’m alright with looking the fool, because at least my actions are always from the heart.

March

I was 29 when I wrote my last post, promising myself that I’d be more in the present for this 2024 year. And I have. Though it feels unfamiliar, I have found myself being more calm and resilient in situations where I otherwise would be more affected. Nostalgic recollections have always plagued my private life, making me yearn for experiences of the past. But I am all too certain that the mind can be deceiving, and is often selective in what it chooses to revisit. We are often guilty of remembering only the good times because the highs that accompany those big feelings are so powerfully imprinted on our memories. It can be easy to mistaken these experiences as losses. But most of the time, the decisions you made then were a deliberate protection from a future you knew wasn’t for you.

There are certain people that can knock you off your orbit and change you forever. In their wake, all that is left is a flurry of questions that you will never get answers for. Not honest ones anyway, the raw ones that we’re all too afraid to show others. For me, that has been the hardest lesson. To give myself closure, and to take ownership for only my own actions and reactions. I cannot will someone to be more mature, caring or genuine than the person they are. I have started to believe in reality rather than the potential of who someone could be at their best. We tend to question ourselves and overthink with the passing of time about whether or not things could have been different. But at the end of the day, all we have is ourselves, the people we choose to love and what is in front of us.

Upon the backdrop of my white frosted dream come true in Kanazawa, I shed my final tears over the man who stole my dreamer heart a year and a half ago. I let him go to avoid losing myself in the process of loving a man who promised me the world and gave me fragments. I nearly did though. I have waited a year for us to have the conversation I thought we owed to each other, but I’ve come to accept that he hasn’t the heart to do so. That’s okay. At least I know I tried my very best in spite of everything.

Though I do wonder, did we become strangers overnight because he stopped caring altogether? Or is it because he still does? Who knows, maybe he never did and he was just enamoured by the idea of me. Sometimes you read a piece of writing, shared straight from the soul of another person who has been hurt in the same way you have. And it makes you feel seen. It makes you feel understood, and it validates what you already knew to be true. That it wasn’t your fault.

Maybe I’ll never feel that same magic when we first met again in this lifetime, maybe that’s a good thing. Though there will always be a part of me that thinks of you and wonders how you’re doing, I doubt we’ll ever cross paths again. I still don’t know what real love looks like, aside from in my imagination. But I know it’ll be worth the wait if I ever do find it.

Three months until the world!

Another Year

As I approach the end of yet another year, I can’t help but to think how profound 2023 was for me. The lessons I’ve learned, the experiences I’ve had, the memories I’ve gained and the friendships I’ve made…they have been life-changing. I have big plans for my 30th birthday next year and will finally be able to fulfil my dream of seeing the world, one that has been postponed too many times to count. I’ve travelled more than I ever have this year, and I can’t even begin to imagine what it will be like to quit my job and do it full-time for 8+ months. I am so proud of what I have been able to achieve and am so grateful for the support of my family, friends and work family. I set a few goals for myself at the start of the year which I have managed to fulfil. For 2024, I want to set a few more so I’ll put them here to keep myself accountable:

Become fluent enough in Spanish to communicate with locals
Get to 65kg by the time I leave for South America in June
Learn to slow down over the next six months so I can save money
Exercise at least 30 minutes a day so that I’m fit enough to climb mountains
Be more patient and give myself space to feel my feelings
Spend a full day in nature at least once a fortnight

I cannot believe how incredible this year has been and I can’t wait for what is yet to come. When I look back at this post in years to come, I want to remember my favourite memories from 2023. I want to remember that I was brave enough to follow my heart and pursue my dreams. I want to know that I really lived life to the fullest, and I truly hope I never lose the drive to continue this way. It’s who I am.

~Took up guitar lessons~
~Narrowly avoided being in a car accident on my birthday due to sheer luck~
~Celebrated the most amazing birthday with my friends from Sydney/Geelong/Melbourne all coming together for the weekend~
~Sunflower picking at sunset with a beautiful mountain backdrop~
~First ever helicopter ride through Kakadu National Park~
~Travelled around the Top End and ticked off the final state in Australia~
~Negotiated a significant pay rise~
~Saw the beautiful Autumn colours in Bright~
~Got my nose pierced after years of hesitation~
~Solo trip to Queenstown/Glenorchy/Wanaka/Arrowtown~
~Stayed at a hostel for the first time~
~Completed Project Management course~
~Got published after performing at a poetry event~
~Met a wonderful man who reminded me it was okay to dream big~
~Swam with whale sharks~
~Trekked through Sapa with the ethnic Black Hmong people~
~Explored Northern Vietnam on the back of a bike~
~Quality time with the kids at Eden~
~Spending time with dad’s air force friends~
~Completed the Wineglass Bay and Marion’s Lookout hike~
~Foam Fest silliness~
~Experiencing the most magical sunsets and sunrises from my apartment~
~Moving out of Southbank~
~Attacked by a disgusting tick while on a camping trip~
~Theatre and live performances: Tchaikovsky concert, Hamilton, Phantom of the Opera, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, 2:22, Punk Rock Factory, Greece Lightning, Godz, Matador, Love Lust Lost, Wrestlerock, Moulin Rouge~
~Visited charming Victorian towns: Bright, Beechworth, Marysville, Healesville, Wilson’s Prom, Phillip Island, Bendigo, Ballarat, Castlemaine, Kyneton, Daylesford, Dandenongs, Mornington Peninsula, Lakes Entrance, Port Fairy, Warrnambool~

These are some of the big wins, but interspersed between them are the small, everyday wins that we don’t generally reflect on. It’s important to acknowledge them too. Sometimes finding the courage to face the day when you’re feeling overwhelmed with life, memories or future prospects is enough.

Stiff but Warm

When I was little,
I would stuff my dreams into duffel bags,
Lay them flat under my bed
And wish for them all to come true,
So I could make space for more.

In time I ran out of bags,
And eventually floorspace too.
Mum told me to be more realistic,
But I guess I never did like
Being told what to do.

So I made friends with my imagination
And marvelled at her breadth;
An infinite sanctum of intrigue
That I could have sworn was tangible
Across the ridges of my fingertips.

The future I saw was make-belief,
A story designed only to inspire action.
Until I felt your arms around me that first time.
I’d been warned of your reputation,
Of being full of empty promises.

Yet to me, you felt warm and comfortable.

I’d known the looks of curious eyes
Reflected off the panes of yours.
But that day, I saw straight past you,
To a place where oceans of blue and
Gentle curves of green beckoned.

I was mesmerised.

I’ve heard that eyes are windows to the soul.
But no one ever told me that
Windows open your eyes to new souls.
They reveal an endless horizon of the things
I never thought possible for myself.

Prufrock once pondered to himself,
Do I dare disturb the universe?
So I decided to do the same.
You gave me a way to say yes.
Now the only question I ask is ‘how?’

I know your name has slid scathingly
Off the bitter tongues of battered buskers.
They said you stole happiness from tomorrow.
But when tomorrow did come,
You brought in blooms of indescribable beauty.

I am not the only one that has seen you,
Aching and worn from endless journeys,
Nor will I be the last.
And I will choose to remember you
For all your enduring triumphs.

I don’t care that you’re a little turbulent
Under the weight of uncertain skies.
Or that sometimes my breath catches
When you kiss the world roughly
To invite me somewhere new.

And though time will distance us,
As we move onto different things,
The places we knew no longer being ours alone,
I will always remember the way you held me,
Stiff but undeniably warm that first time.

So thank you Jetstar.

Project Connection

Loneliness does not discriminate. It does not consider your age, relationship status or how many connections you’ve made throughout your lifetime. Many people dear to me have been struck by this feeling, and when you’re in the midst of it, it’s easy to forget that you are not alone. It is all-consuming, piercingly loud despite the physical quiet.

How cruel this existence can be sometimes. How devastating it must be to feel like you have no one.

I know how fortunate I am to have met so many genuine people since my move to Victoria, and I am incredibly blessed to have a network of close friends in a city that is still somewhat foreign. Slowly but surely, Melbourne is becoming home.

Sometimes, I think to myself, ‘there must be something wrong with me’ or I ask, ‘am I unloveable?’ as though a relationship is the saving grace to me feeling this way. And then I realise they’re just irrational fears and projections, not the truth. My standards in love have always been high and I still hold out hope that the best is yet to come.

I have made difficult decisions to uproot everything I know so that I can have the life that I ultimately want. I have challenged myself to grow as a person and to face the ugliest parts of myself. I have worn my heart on my sleeve and taken countless chances in love. I have been brave enough to walk away from men that promise me the world but give me fragments. I have been both the heartbreaker and the heartbroken and each time has taught me more about myself.

I am still learning. I will continue to be a student until the day the world ceases to be tangible to a human me.

I am not interested in leaving a legacy but if I am able to make a positive impact on someone’s life once in a while, then that would make me proud. Last week, a regular at the poetry and prose session admitted that he had no friends. It wasn’t a plea for help, nor a call to pity. He spoke his truth as though it was all he’d ever known and I was simultaneously saddened and humbled by his statement.

Perhaps to this gentle soul, loneliness does not pervade his thought process and he finds calm in being alone. Or maybe it’s been a byproduct of circumstance and he has had no choice but to accept the reality. Either way, I would like to be friends. When I listen to him read children’s poems, I am taken to a far simpler time. And for a few minutes, I remember what it was like to know nothing more than a sweet, youthful innocence. It’s really fucking nice.

We all deserve to feel connection and it is up to us to be the change we want to see in the world. Let’s start with sharing a bit of our time with a stranger. You never know whose day you might make brighter with your presence, and vice versa. Loneliness. Does. Not. Discriminate. Invest in your relationships and never stop making an effort with people you love.

Protection

One day I’ll learn to knock down bricks
To make space for a door,
For I don’t remember how it feels
To let someone in anymore.

My halls they seem so plentiful,
My love it knows no bounds.
Yet I guard my deepest secrets
In a place that makes no sound.

Few see the sensitive me,
Barely held together.
They only know calm, confident Es
Who still believes in forever.

I’m told that I can be too giving
Of time and my affection
“Protect yourself,” they say with worry
But that is not my lesson.

I’d rather risk failure again and again
Than to never try at all.
Because the best things only show themselves
When you’re not afraid to fall.

Impulsive and brave, she loves the risk
But her mind leads her astray.
To faraway worlds of wonderland
In dreams she’d rather stay.

I met you with a hopeful cheer,
With you I felt at ease.
Your kindness and your warmth it seemed,
Could melt away my fears.

A lakeside walk was all it took
To start this chapter of bliss.
You made me laugh, caressed my cheek
And leaned in for a kiss.

You weren’t my usual type I thought,
My friends said this was best.
In four days you showed yourself
And I lost interest in the rest.

What wasn’t there to like
About a man with British charm?
Relationships were all you knew,
Surely you meant no harm.

In time I felt our connection grow,
Your energy was infectious.
You stayed consistent despite the distance,
It really was quite precious.

But innocence and inexperience
Don’t always go hand in hand.
By chance I ended up the fool,
It wasn’t what I’d planned.

I’m sorry that I ran away,
When reality began to sting.
I never meant to let this happen,
But there’s no reset on this thing.

I hope you’ll find a girl one day
That treats you just as kind.
Who won’t want you to sift through words
While telling you she’s fine.

You popped into my head last Sunday
As I snorkelled through seagrass.
I lost the group through panicked breath,
Scared it would be my last.

In that moment I heard your voice.
It made me think of how
You comforted me once as a stranger.
And continue to calm me now.

These days I wonder,
What is ‘type’ other than
Boxing yourself into a black hole
Of repeated mistakes?

Present

I often find myself spending a lot of time in deep reflection but the past couple of months have made it hard to do so. With so much newness and travel, I have been absorbed in the present, taking in everything this magnificent world has to offer. And honestly, it’s been so fucking nice.

I’ve shared unforgettable experiences with some of my closest friends, and swum with whale sharks in the beautiful reefs of Exmouth. I’ve met fellow travellers from all around the world, each with tales of faraway places I haven’t the slightest clue about. I’ve eaten new foods and been fortunate enough to glimpse other local cultures and their ways of life.

I’ve explored rural Vietnam on the backs of strangers’ motorbikes, and trekked through the rice fields of Sapa in torrential rain with mud thicker than I have ever seen. I have scarred pieces of my skin and farewelled items of clothing on my journey, but in return I have gained so, so much. It’s humbling, and it’s inspiring.

A few months ago, I decided that I would spend half of next year making my way through Europe and South America. Never have I been more sure of that decision. Though it means I will have to make some sacrifices in the meantime, the end goal is worth it. This will be the opportunity of a lifetime and I can’t wait to see these plans come to fruition.

I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am to be able to live life in the way I have always dreamed of and I am so grateful for all the beautiful people around me. I really do believe that when you put out good into the world, life rewards you. So I try my best to be kind whenever I can.

But sometimes that means letting go of people in order to honour yourself and what’s best for you. You might unwillingly hurt others along the way but there’s only so much burden we each can take on. I have had to say goodbye to Ryan as we weren’t ready for the same things. I’m sad that it had to come to this, but being friends really wasn’t an option. I hope he knows how lovely a man he was and I am so grateful to have known him, even if only for a short period.

I sit in yet another airport gate as I write this, watching planes descend upon the tarmac. And I’m ready for more.

Calm

Sometimes, things happen when you least expect and a fresh start comes in the form of a shadow not previously known to you. In that moment, we can choose to cling to the familiar past, or let go of our inhibitions entirely. This week, I met a man who reminded me that there were other people, good people worth being curious about. I sometimes find I put too much weight on symbols, wanting them to be coincidences that I can reason into the stars being aligned.

I thought that the eighth person I was with would be the last, because I wanted it to be. If Nate wasn’t to be the one, then I was damned sure my next choice would be. But meaning tends only to be apparent in retrospect, unless it is assigned, at which point it was probably willed. And that is way too much pressure to put on ourselves and others if we are so hardened by our vision that we aren’t open to the process.

I think about why I am so drawn to 18 July, or my licence, or my number plate. At the end of the day, they’re all just characters on a page, dates on a calendar. I know what I’m ultimately looking for and that won’t change. But I’m reminded that I can also be curious about people I cross paths with and just let things flow naturally without thinking too much about the future.

Being with Ryan this past week has really helped to rebalance my way of thinking. There are plenty of wonderful people out there, and some that you will connect with more than others. But it’s important to respect and appreciate everyone’s uniqueness. Do not let comparison be the death of joy. We are not looking to recapture previous experiences, so let them stay as fond memories of a time that was. Be in the moment with whatever you do, and just have fun.

I know I have. And it’s thanks to my unexpectedly sweet, one week fling with a kind gentleman from England.

The First of Many Poetry Slams?

Last week I attended my first ever poetry slam, which seems odd given my long-known love for the art. I never intended to perform and nor did I have a spoken word piece ready to share. But under the soft glow of the hanging lights in this East Melbourne bar, I found my voice. We were simultaneously in the heart of the city, and also left of the exact middle of nowhere. In that moment, it was just me and thirty strangers. We held space for each other, and respected the inbetween silences. They were as comfortable as a cat nuzzling into the nook of its favourite furniture. As I spoke, I could feel the emotion wash over me. My voice would crack at times as I relived the moment I wrote this piece and truly believed that I had found my person. And as I finished, I felt proud. Everyone clapped. I realised one indisputable fact that night, reflected through the eyes of my audience. And that is, all of us have experienced romantic dreams and unfathomable heartbreak. How comforting yet sad that is.

Where You Belong

For a moment there,
I could have sworn
That our souls were made
Of the same stuff.

How else would I have known
Exactly what your voice sounded like?
A velvety soft baritone,
Designed to sing my own, personal lullaby.

We must have known each other once before.

I fell for you one balmy night in Bali,
Somewhere between ‘Jolene’
And excited sleeps.
We danced to a hopeful tune of forever,
The naive fools we were.

But our cocktail pasts
Mixed into a batch of bitter brew,
Impossible to drink,
Without the threat of poison spreading.

Sometimes your sediment memory would sink,
Replaced by layers of new wonder,
Momentarily forgotten,
Until agitated into the foreground.

Damn those triggers.

You spoke the language of computers,
But never understood the human processor,
Operating in murmured blurs of grey.
Often without instruction.

We latched onto fears that weren’t our own.
Two frightened birds,
Tethered to one another,
Incapable of flight.

I promised I wouldn’t run from your scars,
And that I’d hold gently
The warmth of your histories
In the palms of my hands.

But these small hands can only carry so much,
And baby believe me when I say I tried.

I still send letters into the void,
Hoping some unseen mailman
Will translate my message into code
That your heart can understand.

Because the real ones I’ve sent
Do not reach you anymore.
I do not reach you anymore.
And yet, this girl doesn’t know how not to write you.

Between us,
There is now only silence,
In its most devastating form.
The kind between strangers.

All the same,
I will always hold dear
The cherished memory
Of a time with you.

I will shelve you quietly into
The libraries of my mind,
Where this chapter can collect dust,
And find a home in the past.

It’s where you belong now.