Never You

Your hair is longer,
Your face covered in new lines
Unfamiliar to my touch.

I thought for sure
You’d remain a ghost,
Locked in a timeless past.

But there you were,
Smiling in a photo
Beyond what I knew of us.

For a second, my heart smiled.

But then it began to beat loudly,
Struck with shock from seeing
Somebody that I used to know.

Someone who promised me the world,
But spread his love like the tide,
Pulling me in, and pushing me away.

I saw your light in glimpses,
Just as I watched you cast thick shadows
To stave off those that could hurt you.

How unfair it was that that you
Enveloped me in darkness.
I was never the sum of your past.

Nor were you mine.

How much we both must have changed,
Over a period that seems shorter
Than time would otherwise suggest.

You look happy,
Leo is much older.
I hope the reality is just as sweet.

I’m still fascinated by how the Universe
Delivers its messages.
Sometimes I’m not sure what they mean.

Though I will never understand you,
Or know a version of our story
Through different directorial eyes,

I’ve decided it’s okay.

We were always so different,
Yet the dreams we so desperately
Willed to be real were remarkedly similar.

I tried for a final time,
Knowing it may fall on deaf ears.
It did.

I don’t regret a thing though,
Because at the end of the day,
I can say I stayed true to myself.

Can you?

I knew four versions of you.
In Mandarin, that is phonetically similar
To death.

Nate the dreamer,
Nate the fearful avoidant,
Nate the caring lover,
And Nate the cold.

The last one damn near killed me.

So I’ll take the lessons I can
From our time together,
Short but incommensurately impactful.

I hope to learn more about myself,
Scattered across parts of the world
I am soon to glimpse.

I am blocked. That’s all there is to know.

I will never get the chance to create
My diptych-style poem series, or
Hear the second perspective.

Even if I did, would you be honest with me?

I can speculate your whys,
But they linger in a space
That holds no answers.

So perhaps I’ll start searching
In places where my questions
Are met with more than silence.

Perhaps I’ll start seeking love
In hearts that have the capacity
To take a leap of faith.

To try, in spite of whatever we may have gone through previously.

Let us be the sum of our present decisions.

Regardless, I will always remember
The person that first convinced me
That magic could exist.

Who co-wrote and brought to life
The conversations of romantic wonder
That lived inside my imagination.

But what I know to be true is,
There is someone out there for me.
But it was never meant to be you.

“Romanticizing and missing a relationship that previously emotionally destroyed you is a trauma response, not love.” – Anna Aslanian