On A Rainy Melbourne Day

There’s a school of thought by Lao Tzu which infers that anxiety is living in the future, depression is living in the past. To be at peace is to live in the present, because you never know what may happen next. That is what makes life more beautiful; its ephemeral and unpredictable nature. What’s important is finding meaning in the things we do and being intentional in how we choose to spend our time.

I realise increasingly that my attention span is becoming shorter and sometimes I catch myself scrolling shorts for hours on end. I imagine myself putting everything away and engrossing myself in a book or some form of self-education. Truth be told, I rarely do because I’m not in the mood to engage with more complex topics. But today, I found myself reaching for that book, doing research on world economics and it consumed me. I have never enjoyed studying, but I have always been interested in new experiences, knowledge and connections. I rediscovered my passion for learning.

I’m nervous about what comes next, after my world trip has ended. Because that has been a lifelong dream that has been years in the making. I don’t know who I’ll be at the finish line, but I look forward to meeting that version of Es. People talk about being afraid of failure, I have always feared success. I am proud of everything I have achieved on my own, but sometimes I don’t think I’ve been deserving of it. Perhaps this is what imposter syndrome feels like. Does anyone else feel this way?

All I know is that it takes real courage to stay kind in a world so cruel and sometimes, I catch myself turning cold. I want to always be the person that tries because they give a shit. I want to stay the person that cries because they care. I wonder if anyone still fights for the things they believe in anymore, or if I’m the only idiot left misunderstood. Everyone’s experiences are so different and as I grow older, I realise that intention and perception are not always aligned. I think I’m alright with looking the fool, because at least my actions are always from the heart.