March

I was 29 when I wrote my last post, promising myself that I’d be more in the present for this 2024 year. And I have. Though it feels unfamiliar, I have found myself being more calm and resilient in situations where I otherwise would be more affected. Nostalgic recollections have always plagued my private life, making me yearn for experiences of the past. But I am all too certain that the mind can be deceiving, and is often selective in what it chooses to revisit. We are often guilty of remembering only the good times because the highs that accompany those big feelings are so powerfully imprinted on our memories. It can be easy to mistaken these experiences as losses. But most of the time, the decisions you made then were a deliberate protection from a future you knew wasn’t for you.

There are certain people that can knock you off your orbit and change you forever. In their wake, all that is left is a flurry of questions that you will never get answers for. Not honest ones anyway, the raw ones that we’re all too afraid to show others. For me, that has been the hardest lesson. To give myself closure, and to take ownership for only my own actions and reactions. I cannot will someone to be more mature, caring or genuine than the person they are. I have started to believe in reality rather than the potential of who someone could be at their best. We tend to question ourselves and overthink with the passing of time about whether or not things could have been different. But at the end of the day, all we have is ourselves, the people we choose to love and what is in front of us.

Upon the backdrop of my white frosted dream come true in Kanazawa, I shed my final tears over the man who stole my dreamer heart a year and a half ago. I let him go to avoid losing myself in the process of loving a man who promised me the world and gave me fragments. I nearly did though. I have waited a year for us to have the conversation I thought we owed to each other, but I’ve come to accept that he hasn’t the heart to do so. That’s okay. At least I know I tried my very best in spite of everything.

Though I do wonder, did we become strangers overnight because he stopped caring altogether? Or is it because he still does? Who knows, maybe he never did and he was just enamoured by the idea of me. Sometimes you read a piece of writing, shared straight from the soul of another person who has been hurt in the same way you have. And it makes you feel seen. It makes you feel understood, and it validates what you already knew to be true. That it wasn’t your fault.

Maybe I’ll never feel that same magic when we first met again in this lifetime, maybe that’s a good thing. Though there will always be a part of me that thinks of you and wonders how you’re doing, I doubt we’ll ever cross paths again. I still don’t know what real love looks like, aside from in my imagination. But I know it’ll be worth the wait if I ever do find it.

Three months until the world!