Into 2023 We Go

The past year has taught me so many invaluable lessons about myself, relationships, life and trauma.

One of the things I have been reminded of is how unpredictable people can be, and how long it takes to really get to know someone. Some days I still miss him and wish I’d been able to support him even while I was bleeding from all the holes he poked in me. I wish I was strong enough to maintain my space of calm, without becoming an anxious mess in response to his own deactivating strategies. I thought I was sure enough of myself as a person to not let my worth be affected by another but intimate relationships have a way of impacting you in profound and unexpected ways. The confusion is still there but I know to truly move on, I need to forgive and practice acceptance.

For me, that step is acknowledging that he wasn’t the person I thought he was and that our incompatibilities were too significant to bridge. I truly believe in my heart that none of his actions were malicious, and that a lot of the mixed signals he sent were a protective mechanism and trauma response to getting too close. I hope that one day we can be friends but I’ll leave it up to the universe to decide.

The people that know me best are the ones that inspired my decision to leave, and even though I’m back to square one, I know this presents opportunities for my future that are better suited to my happiness. I deserve more than what he was able to offer and to stay would have made me suffer. At the end of the day, I am a wanderer chasing wonder. Philisophically, it is important for me to have a partner who is growth-oriented, consistent and believes in the power of making choices. I want someone who is emotionally stable and equally fearless when it comes to taking chances, not someone who constantly thinks about the demise of everything. He exists out there somewhere and I truly believe that someday, we will cross paths.

I’ve put together a vision board for 2023 so I can maintain focus on the things I want to achieve and what is truly important to me. This year, I want to put myself first and learn as much as I can. I want to do nice things for people in hopes that they will pay it forward to others in turn. My contribution thus far has been giving away a free phone to someone in need and that felt really good.

This is the person I am. I am generous and warm, caring and supportive and I won’t let any bad experiences blacken that soft heart I pride myself on.

Happy new year everyone x