Onwards

Do I bother entertaining you any further when all you’ve ever given me is fragments?

When we met, I wasn’t sure of what I wanted but the way I felt with you was new to me again, and that was nice. I liked that you were a gentleman with old world charm, who exuded the kind of confidence you think of when one imagines quiet success; tinged with just enough humility to have you believe he’s not cocky like the others.

I know feelings can change from one moment to the next but it still fucking hurt when I realised it was all just a meaningless casual conquest for you. Especially when your words and actions gave me a strong impression that you also felt the intense chemistry between us and were keen to explore the connection further.

I spent days pondering what to write back when you asked whether I had sent the letter. It was interesting to observe the evolution of my draft response, which began as a scathing exposé into your misleading actions before progressing into a raw and vulnerable admittance of my internal struggle.

I noted, “That piece was something I wrote for myself months ago, which reflected my lived present at that moment in time. I don’t claim to know what your truth entails but perhaps you’ll take something away from mine. I didn’t know I was going to send it until I did. Just felt an inexplicable calling to do so.”

Your response was surprisingly thoughtful and though it took hours for me to muster the courage to read it, I’m glad I did in the end. You said, “I’ve done something similar in the past. It’s brave and powerful to speak your truth in a way that’s both honest and artful.” You have no idea how comforting that was to hear, and I never expected that I’d receive a message so wholesome in return.

Poetry and the practice of self-reflection have gifted me the inspiration to do things that I otherwise would have never dared to try. For the first time in my life, I have shared my story with a complete rando whose very existence blew up mine, and in no alternate universe would I have been able to prepare myself for what was to come. I thought I knew who I was in love and romance but time has slowly weathered my soul, and the growing chasm between who I am now and who I used to be has been revealed in the harsh light of circumstance. This experience has been truly humbling, and I think I am ready to move forward completely now.

The act of putting yourself out there in a moment of unwavering impulse is truly jarring. Initially you’re carried by the adrenaline of immense possibility and while in that state, you feel confident that no challenge is insurmountable. But then the reality of what you’ve done sets in and you can’t help but to imagine what dire consequences may arise out of your rash decisions.

And sometimes, just sometimes you’ll be lucky enough to be met with empathy and reciprocity from a person who also understands your motivations and has likely gone through something similar themselves. It may not always eventuate in a positive response but I never want to lose the voice inside that carries my will.

It makes me wonder whether the majority of people in this world live in fear of the things they cannot control and therefore are never willing to leave the confines of their safe space. I believe there are limitations to one’s ability to grow as a person if you follow down this path of comfortability for too long.

So keep looking for opportunities to disturb the universe because you never know when you’ll stumble upon real magic. When the day inevitably comes, keep your eyes open and allow your mind to fill with the wisdom and wonder of this limitless existence.