A Letter to a Friend

Dear Liv,

I’ve been thinking about all of our conversations as of late and how they remind me of the old days when we were young. About two girls that became friends by sheer coincidence in school despite very conflicting views on a number of significant matters. At some point, I softened the impenetrable defences that I thought made a person strong. I wouldn’t have realised that someone who was truly strong was one who could confront the realities of emotion if not for you. I know we’ve been through many tumultuous cycles throughout our friendship but I hope you know how thankful I am to have you in my life. I feel it especially now and find it comforting beyond words to have someone who knows about all the chapters of my story. Someone who understands exactly who I am and who I used to be before I got here. You have helped me through some of the most difficult and traumatic periods in my life, and have also been around for all of the happy moments too. Sometimes you casually mention something that only you would know about me, and I feel a little smile grow on my face.

I know I haven’t been very compassionate or empathetic in the past, particularly towards you and your mental health struggles and I am really sorry. It’s no excuse but I was too selfish living in my fun, carefree world at the time to understand. But know that for the past year and a half, I have really invested a lot of time and energy into working on this deficit. I am trying to be an overall better person and a better friend to those around me. It was much easier to be aloof and perceived as a typically cold and emotionless Aquarius because it meant that I could avoid getting stuck in the weeds of other people’s problems.

I realise now that empathy is something that grows the more you give it to others. It does not diminish like slices of pizza after consumption. Anyways this is all a work in progress and I suppose that’s also true for life as a whole. We will always be learning new things and using that information to evolve ourselves hopefully into better, more wholesome people. I don’t know if there is a right way to spend our short time on this earth, but I feel like if you always maintain the courage to chase your dreams and the things that make you truly happy, then you can’t go wrong.

I was cleaning my room after we got off the phone today and glimpsed the box that housed the letters we used to write each other. That’s what inspired me to write you one today because I remember how much these small tokens meant to us, even though the contents of our previous letters were of little substance in comparison. But hey, each life stage has its own quirks and peculiarities. I recall a long period in which I used to wear a silver necklace with a cross on it and then get annoyed when people assumed I was religious. What a total shithead I was back then. It’s equal parts cringe and equal parts endearing to reminisce that small detail.

I don’t know how I got so infatuated with Tikhon or what triggered all this desire within me and made my life a living hell for weeks. In the scheme of things, this is just a small bump on the road but as I’ve reflected, the impact on my sense of self and understanding of what I want has been profound. I’m truly very grateful for everything you’ve done to help me through this, and giving me an ear to rant to. In the end, I will stick to my gut feeling and proceed with catching up with him platonically. He’s no longer worthy of a booty smash and I know that our interests and values are way too misaligned for anything romantic to develop between us anyway. Can you imagine me dating someone who can’t drive AND doesn’t like travelling? Ew, fuck that. This is now more of a reminder to myself but hey, you’re basically the equivalent of free therapy anyway.

It doesn’t go unnoticed don’t worry. You can always rant/talk to me about anything and I mean that sincerely. I may not be able to drop everything and be at yours in 10 anymore, but I will always do my best to pick up in times of need. I hope your move up the Coast has been fulfilling and that you are happy. The little family you have is truly precious and I know you don’t need me to tell you that. Maybe someday I’ll find my person to create a family with but if it doesn’t happen, then so be it. I’d like to think that there is somebody for me out there but the pool of available suitors is filled with emotionally unavailable men who have not worked through their trauma. I don’t think it’s worth giving your time and affection to someone who won’t enrich your life in a meaningful way anymore. Instead I’m going to chase wonder and add to my already dazzling constellation of collected moments. So should you.

Anyways, I should probably let you go/get back to work now. Thanks for being a good friend to me over the years. #Olitee5eva

Love always, Es