A Lesson in Self Love

I have found that dating, while exhilarating at the time, can open up strong feelings of self doubt in its aftermath. I went on a second date last week with a man who seemed to lack true self confidence, masked behind delusions of grandeur and male bravado. When I was younger, I was interested by guys who possessed expensive taste and had a penchant for fine dining but it is only now, I realise how obnoxious this can make a person. Whilst it was lovely for him to have driven from Melbourne to meet me, I could immediately sense the elitism oozing out of him. White pressed linen shirt, chinos, dress shoes and a ‘5 star hotel only’ approach to holidaying. Ugh, I should have picked up the signs.

We grabbed a drink at the local pub (turns out Geelong is not known for having boutique wine bars suitable for first dates) and realised we had quite a lot in common. F1, tennis, the recognition of Taiwan as a country, restaurant connoisseurs. Funnily enough, this guy also had Polish ancestry. I only laugh because one of my best friends is Polish and the joke going around is that I’m finding pieces of men to replace her. I haven’t planned this, I swear!

Later on, we walked along the waterfront and onto a dimly lit pier that stretched far into the ocean. We kissed during that walk but after that, he just kept going in for the same thing while simultaneously asking me if I was okay. He would also announce that he had to ‘do something important real quick’ before going in each time. I’m all for seeking consent but that just played out more like a lack of confidence than anything else. When a guy doesn’t know how to make out, and every kiss is like a first kiss with no deviation, it begins to feel a little…boring. Many things about that night felt like they eventuated because ‘it was next on the list of things to do’ rather than because there was any sort of chemistry. With Tikhon, body language was all we needed to express our desire and wantonness for each other. It was all so sexy and passionate in comparison but I guess that’s what a 9 year age difference between men does. The right balance of assertiveness and sincerity goes a long way.

After a very uncomfortable bout of sex in a tiny Volkswagen Polo, where the town hoons would circle menacingly around us, I decided that I’d had enough of this date. Even after we’d clothed ourselves, he was mumbling about all the other tricks he had up his sleeve and what he was going to do to me had I not called a cease fire on the fingerbashing I reluctantly endured for the past five minutes. We politely parted ways and after the obligatory, ‘I’ve gotten home safely’ message, he unmatched me. Even though I wasn’t planning on seeing this guy again, my ego was still a little bruised and my self worth in question. It was all consensual, so why was I thinking this way?! It’s not like I was forced into anything and if I wanted to slut it up after a couple of years of inaction (thank you COVID-19) then so be it! I was in control of my own actions and desires. And yet, I still felt a little worse for wear after it all.

I called Gigi a couple of days later to explain everything that happened and how I was feeling. She is an incredible fucking human, with so much wisdom and love to impart. She reassured me that my thoughts were valid in every way and that the dating process makes for a truly vulnerable experience. Sometimes you just need someone you trust with your life, to remind you of the things about life that you already know. You can otherwise get lost in a miasma of despair and self doubt when you are feeling most raw. Always take a moment to remind yourself of the following:

1) You are allowed to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Grant yourself the time to process things if you need it.
2) Be kind to yourself and know that your worth is not determined by others.
3) Don’t feel obligated to do anything on a date that you don’t want to do.
4) Be your authentic self when you meet someone new.
5) You don’t have to lower your standards or play part in the dating ‘game’.
6) Share your feelings. If you’d like to see someone again, tell them instead of waiting for them to text. Life is too short to follow baseless gender rules.
7) It’s okay to wear your heart on your sleeve.
8) You will probably go on a few bad dates but hey, it’s all part of the experience right!
8) If a guy disappears because you didn’t put out/you showed keen interest/you had sex on the first date/you set boundaries/you asked the hard questions, then they were never right for you in the first place. Don’t settle.